I have a long way to go.

I was walking across the lobby at church when I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. A very strong part of me wanted to pretend she wasn't there. Something about her didn't quite look "right." In an instant I wondered if she was a gypsy. Because if she was, she probably spoke very little French and was probably at church in hopes of begging things off of people. She looked like a person who would mumble, and when a French person mumbles it really doesn't matter whether they know French or not, because I can't understand it. For all of these reasons, I had a strong aversion to acknowledging her.
BUT, though I do a horrible job sometimes of letting him work, God does work in my life, and for that reason I simultaneously had a very strong drive to talk to her. Maybe it was for the simple reason that the few other people left in church all had someone to talk to and at that moment, she didn't. Or maybe there was more to my urge than just pity...
However, because I had two very strong inclinations warring within me, I performed my standard lame compromise. I made eye contact, smiled, said "Bonjour," and kept going, as if I was very busy and had somewhere I had to be. I ducked around a corner and took stock of the situation. Unfortunately, I didn't stay there long enough to pray through any kind of plan. So when I went back to the lobby I ended up talking to somebody else. She got up to leave, and I quickly said farewell to her as she headed out the door. I never even asked her name. She paused in the entry way. Again I considered going up to her and talking to her. But how would I start? It's incredibly awkward introducing yourself to somebody as they are halfway out the door. She exited. As she walked away from the church I went to the door, half considering running out after her to try to make up for my failures, but I wasn't wearing my winter jacket and it was quite cold out. As I stood there, contemplating, she turned for an instant to look back at the church- I have no clue why- and then kept going.
Who was she? Does she normally go to church, and I just haven't noticed her? If not, why did God bring her to church today? I may never know. And that tears me apart. Unless I completely misread the situation, I was supposed to talk to her. And I failed.
What do I do about that? Well, I acknowledge my failure, ask God to give me courage and a second chance, and prepare myself through prayer for next time. I have to wonder what would have happened if I had prayed before church this morning like I was supposed to. I was talking to my family on Skype until almost 3 hours after my bedtime last night, so it was easy to justify getting up at the last minute before church and putting off my daily time with God until later... but decisions like that have consequences.
I share this with you largely to show that I'm not special. I'm human. I struggle with the same fears and insecurities as everyone else. Please pray for me!