Something Missing

Sometimes I get this strange feeling that something inside me is not quite satisfied, that there is something specific that is missing. It makes me edgy, nervous, uneasy. I start listening to a song but switch to another one half way through because it isn't quite I'm looking for. I try to find a beautiful picture online that stirs me. I look for some idea or game or video that grabs my imagination. I usually end up wasting time doing something I never intended to do, like watching pointless videos on YouTube or reading a whole series of political rants that don't actually interest me that much.

I could point to all kinds of causes for this. My favorite theory is aesthetic starvation. I live and work in a place that I don't find attractive, which leaves me longing for somewhere-anywhere- that is lush and natural. I could blame it on overstimulation. I am so constantly surrounded by noise and chaos and confusion and smells and colors that I sometimes just want to hide under four layers of sound-proofing material.  I could blame it on loneliness. My roommate has been gone for a month and I haven't seen my girlfriend in more than a week. But I know that my biggest problem isn't really any of those things. Not just at a mental level- I can FEEL that it isn't any of those things.

You know what is really stupid? I know exactly where I am lacking. At least I assume I do. I went to Sunday School- I learned the answer. For some reason the actual day-to-day living out of that truth is a challenge. For some reason I often find myself trying to meet that need somehow else, as if I were trying to satisfy my hunger by showering more often or satisfy my need for love by eating more. Sometimes it is really a struggle to get anything out of what I am reading in the Bible- if I manage to get my Bible open long enough to even focus on what I am reading before my mind kicks into overdrive on various wild tangents.  When I'm not getting much out of scripture, it makes it hard for me to worship.  When I am not living a life of worship, it becomes very laborious and unnatural to pray.

Tonight I sat with my guitar for an hour and sang worship songs. That made a big difference. I wish I had done it six hours earlier in the day, but I guess late is better than never. 

The good news is, God's mercies are new every morning. May I become better at accepting them!