Almost Engaged

Two weeks ago my girlfriend and I got engaged. We told our parents, then our siblings, then our coworkers, and then our partners back home. I also called the pastor to find out how to announce our decision to our church here. He responded by inviting my fiancée and I to a meeting of the elders of the church.

I hadn't quite expected that.

She and I went to the church last Friday for our meeting. We had no clue whether a special meeting had been called for us or whether we had been invited to a marriage prep course with some other couples, or if we were simply being slotted into a weekly elders meeting. We also had no idea what would happen at the meeting. Were they going to bless us? Was this just a formality? Or where we in trouble? Maybe they expected us to have asked their permission before getting engaged. Maybe they were going to scrutinise our theology and "candidacy" for marriage. Or maybe they just enjoy getting to know the future couples in their church.

We spent a good 20 minutes in the secretary's office, waiting for all of the elders to arrive so the meeting could start. When at last they were all present, we went up and took our places at the table with the pastor and three elders. Then the pastor turned to me and said, "Thank you for coming, the floor is yours."

Haha! I can only laugh looking back on it. I had absolutely no idea what to say because I had no idea why we were there. Was this a "getting to know you" session or an inquisition? I had to guess quickly, and I had to do it in French. I started by introducing us, thanked the church for supporting me for the past year and a half that I have attended, and then took the rather bold step of saying that we had already decided to get married and had told our families and coworkers, and now we wished to share the news with the church as well... but since I was a westerner I wasn't really sure how to do that in an African church.

The pastor asked us the date. We said that we didn't know exactly yet. We had already contacted my fiancées home church, where we were planning to get married some time this fall, but the exact date had not yet been fixed. The pastor then very graciously explained that wedding engagements are never made until the date has been decided and both sets of parents have consented to the marriage, in writing, to the church. Otherwise any two young people could announce in front of the church that they are going to get married and then create a scandal when the parents find out about it second-hand, or don't even find out until after the marriage. In the African context it is unthinkable to marry without the consent (and deep involvement) of the parents, so it is understandable that the church doesn't want to get caught in the crossfire.  

I apologised for the confusion and said that we would let them know when we had a date. We also offered to ask our parents to write to the church. After thinking about it for a second or two, the pastor said that since neither of us were African and we were planning to get married back home, it probably wasn't necessary for our parents to write. As soon as we had a date fixed, we could make the formal announcement in front of the church. "That should really encourage the young people, to see two people committed to marriage," he said. And once we did that, we would be officially engaged. We thanked them again, they prayed for us, and we left the meeting.

So, apparently in the local culture we aren't engaged yet. We aren't exactly sure what was accomplished in the meeting, but it certainly was an adventure!