Yes, you read correctly. I am going to commit the ultimate single man's offense. I'm going to give parenting advice. So I was driving down the road and I heard a one of those fix-your-kids parenting tips on Christian radio. The expert on all things childly said that instead of saying, "Johnny, don't do that or I'll..." you should say, "Johnny, if you choose to do this, then you will have to accept ____ punishment." This way the child learns important decision-making skills that will serve him later in life. I thought to myself, "I guess that makes sense" and kept driving.
Fast forward three days. Once again I was riding in the car, and my mind wandered back to what I had heard. And I realized that it was misguided. The psychologist's suggested language changes the child's reason for obedience, and it isn't a good change. In the first situation, the child must do what I say, because I am mom and I said so. In the second situation, the child is expected to decide that the punishment is not worth the temporary pleasure of disobedience. The parent surrenders most of his or her authority.
What happens five years down the road? Rather than respecting his teacher because of her authority, he decides that the attention he gets from lipping off far exceeds the punishment of getting sent to the principle's office.
Ten years down the road? Rather than driving the speed limit because that is the law and laws are meant to be obeyed, the new and inexperienced driver decides that he has $150 in the bank in case he gets a speeding ticket, so who cares?
Twenty years down the road? "Dr. Drake is such a jerk. He kicked me out of the class just because I copied Samantha's answers on the quiz. It's just a stupid quiz; It's barely even worth anything!"
Twenty five years down the road? What else is worth the fine? Drunk driving? Corporate theft? Adultery? Something worse? I am reminded of what Randy Moss said after he tried to run over a parking attendant who made him mad. Somebody asked him what he thought of the fine and said that you don't even write a check for something like that; it's pocket change. He got kicked off of an NFL team because of his complete lack of respect for authority, and I think it surprised him enough that he finally learned something. Too bad nobody instilled it in him sooner.
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1 comment:
Whoa, there are no indignant comments on this yet? You're right, that is the ultimate offense for a younger man to commit. All I'll say to that is that I keep hearing that all the wisdom we've acquired about raising kids will disappear when we actually have children of our own!
Hmmm, as to the philosophical points... I definitely agree with you that a simple cost-benefit analysis is really not the best decision-making strategy to instill in children. However, I also dislike "because I said so," or "because I'm the boss." Not only is it frustrating to kids, but it can leave them high and dry when they are older and have to make their own decisions. I've seen it happen: plenty of freshmen come to college still dependent on authority figures to make decisions for them. Because of that, they don't make decisions at all, but simply let life happen to them, which can include failing academically and getting into drugs or promiscuous sex.
When a child is very young, it is only proper that they view their parents' authority as absolute, provided that their parents really do want what is best for them and only tell them to do the right thing. However, sooner or later those children need to realize that no one is perfect, not even their parents. The best way for them to find out is at a relatively young age, and by their parents' own admission, I believe. I realized somehow at about ten that I did not always have to agree with my parents, which probably made my mother's life difficult for a few years, but I wonder how things would have been different if I'd gotten that bug when I was seventeen instead and could have actually rebelled. The fact that I realized early on both that my parents were not always right and that they always wanted what was best for me was the reason I didn't rebel.
I do have a caveat to my statement though: my circumstance would only be true in a loving Christian household, because our faith in God was the strongest thing that held my family together.
In the end, John, I'd answer to that psychologist that obedience because of human authority or because of physical consequences are both pretty shallow and only suited to young children and people who believe in no Ultimate Authority (God).
He, he, I wrote a book, but those kinds of questions fascinate me...
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